Creating Healthy Boundaries

Creating physical and emotional boundaries involves the setting and enforcing of limits, rules and guidelines that you use to establish what is appropriate behaviour for people to have around you and for how people should treat you. These boundaries will determine how you will respond to a person when they step outside of these limits and rules.  These emotional and physical boundaries are personal and will be unique to each person.

It is important to set these boundaries to:

  • maintain self-respect
  • to communicate your needs in a relationship
  • to enable you to have positive interactions with others and
  • to set limits to ensure you have healthy relationships.

Physical boundaries will provide a barrier between you and something else. Examples of physical barriers are physical touch, your personal space, your body, your privacy, your physical needs, your romantic relationships and your sexual orientation. 

Emotional boundaries are how we separate our feelings from those of other people.  You need to be able to recognize your feelings and determine your comfort level with when and how you will share your feelings or other information about yourself. These boundaries also determine how available you are to listen to other people's emotions they want to share with you.  Examples of emotional boundaries are behaviours, choices, sense of responsibility, beliefs and your ability to be intimate with others. 

Creating and Communicating Boundaries:

Boundaries are very personal and unique to each person and it takes time and practice to do this well.  When you create boundaries, you do not want them to be too rigid or too flexible. Are your boundaries able to change based on the situation?  Keep in mind that people may cross your boundaries without meaning any harm. They just have different boundaries than you so they are unaware of the impact their action has on you. Your role is to communicate your boundary in a respectful manner.

So, communication is key in setting boundaries.

To set healthy boundaries:

  • First of all, you need to identify what your boundaries are and how you feel when they have been crossed. Do you feel angry, uncomfortable or upset?
  • Take responsibility for your own emotions that occur when your boundaries are crossed. They are a signal for you to clearly communicate your boundary in a respectful manner.  Keep in mind that no one can make someone upset rather that person chooses to feel that way.
  • Next you will want to implement a more rational and healthy way of thinking about the situation. Practice how you are going to respond when your boundaries are crossed in a calm and thoughtful manner.

When communicating your boundary:

  • Maintain good posture and eye-contact as you explain your boundary as clearly, calmly, respectfully and simply as possible. Do not get angry or apologize for setting your boundary.
  • Use "I" statements to express your feelings and stay focused on the boundary. How did the person's actions make you feel? (Avoid the use of "you" statements as they are accusatory and can make the situation tense and unproductive). "So you could say I felt angry and hurt when you teased me."
  • Request that the person change their way of interacting with you. You can ask them to stop the action that made you feel that way.
  • Finally allow the person space to respond and explain their needs as well. Remember, communication involves a dialogue between two or more people where each person has the chance to speak.

Boundaries, and the communication of them, should not be seen as a way to control people but rather a way to avoid feelings of resentment, anger and disappointment in others so you can enjoy healthy relationships.

Benefits of healthy boundaries

Setting healthy boundaries will lead to:

  • improved self-esteem
  • trusting relationships
  • equality in relationships
  • empowerment
  • confidence and
  • protection from physical and emotional crossing of your boundaries.

Keep in mind you can only control your behaviour and how you communicate. Empower yourself to make healthy decisions and take responsibility for your actions.

Impact of poor boundaries

Having poor boundaries can lead to feelings of anxiety, depression and even physical illness. 

  • You may feel responsible for other people's happiness or have a weak sense of your own identity.
  • You may also be unable to say "no" because you fear people won't like you or will leave you.
  • You may overshare information about yourself or base your self-worth on the opinion of other people.

If any of these resonate with you, then you may want to consider setting boundaries.  If you find yourself feeling hurt, angry or resentful about something, you probably need to communicate a boundary.

Surround yourself with people who respect your right to set boundaries and eliminate those people who want to abuse, manipulate and control you.

If you are dealing with someone who is physically dangerous or threatening to you, it may not be safe to attempt to set explicit boundaries with them. If you are in this situation, it can be helpful to work with a counsellor, therapist or advocate to create a safety plan and boundary setting may be a part of this.

Tips for setting and maintaining boundaries. 

Setting boundaries and maintaining them can be hard to do and it will take practice.

  • Start with boundaries that will not cause you significant distress so that you can build confidence with setting and maintaining boundaries.
  • Consider the situation you are in at the moment when your boundary has been crossed. Is the person you are speaking with emotionally charged, using substances or struggling in some way.  If so, they will not be in a position to discuss your boundaries. You will need to wait for a more appropriate time to present itself.
  • Prepare for the person you are discussing your boundaries with to challenge you. When we set boundaries, people will push back to get what they want.
  • Protect your boundary by calmly repeating it to the person. Remember why you made the boundary in the first place
  • Finally lead by example. If you want your boundaries to be respected, you must respect the boundaries set by other people; respect is a two-way street.

 Resources:

https://www.uky.edu/hr/sites/www.uky.edu.hr/files/wellness/images/Conf14_Boundaries.pdf

https://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/06/29/how-to-create-healthy-boundaries/

https://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions/supporting-adult-children-vol15/got-boundries

https://iembracetherapy.com/setting-boundaries/